I was raised in a Christian home. Both of my parents professed their faith and lived it out on a daily basis. I attended a private Christian school for two of my secondary school years and went on to a Christian liberal arts college. As an active participant in my church, I frequently got up at 5:30 am to pray and read the Bible for an hour before catching the bus. We went to an Assembly of God (Pentecostal) church for the majority of my childhood.
Beginning with attending college and being challenged to think and debate varying theological ideologies, I began to question. Then I spent a year abroad in Ecuador, South America. My world view radically changed. I questioned even the very basics of my faith. Surely it can’t be the ONLY way to salvation and heaven? Was Christ really divine? Why do so many Christians seem so narrow minded and pushy? Was I one of these?
Now that I have my son, I am contemplating the benefits of being raised with religious ideals. I have decided that it is important to me. But what do I do with all of my doubts? My husband and I tried two different small groups at a local church that we had been attending for a short time. Due to various comments made by group members we didn’t feel that we would be accepted if everyone knew about our doubts. We quit going to both after about 8 weeks of each.
I still like the church and it’s theology. The music is a bit loud and obnoxious. But I like more than I don’t. So I made an appointment to talk with someone about my doubts. As serendipity would have it, I showed up at the wrong time… without realizing it and ended up meeting with the woman who works at the front desk. She has a master’s in marriage and family therapy which helps for obvious reasons. We both double majored in the same areas for our B.A.’s and both spent a year abroad in South America. Her Spanish sounded incredible to boot! Oh, and her son attends the school that I will be teaching at in the fall… Could there be anymore similarities?
After talking, admiring the baby, and trying to articulate my “faith issues,” this woman said, “I don’t want to oversimplify this, but maybe your faith just needs to grow up.”
It’s so true! I’ve been trying to return to my adolescent faith. Which of course won’t work. I have to find a way to come to terms with my doubts and develop a more mature faith. I don’t know exactly how to do this. But awareness is half the battle.
She recommended the following author: Brennan Manning. The public library doesn’t have the specific book she mentioned. They do have the sequel though. So I decided to check out Ann Lamott’s “Traveling Mercies” as a place to start. I loved her “Operating Instructions.”
