These are the popular acronyms on the mother’s message boards: breastfeeding moms, pump moms, attachment parenting, dcmetromommies, etc.
SAHM means stay at home mom.
WOHM means work outside of home mom.
WIHM means work in home mom.
I work outside of the home and I am a new mom. I am torn between what’s right for my family right now (WOHM) and what seems like the ideal (SAHM). My mom quit her job to stay at home after my first brother was born and has never returned. Growing up in a “traditional” household, I aspired to the do the same. I always appreciated how she was there for us and still do. Now that all three of us are grown up and out of her house, she volunteers and does work on the board at her church. These activities give her a sense of purpose and a way to stay connected to the community.
The truth is more and more middle class moms are having to work to bring in a second income just to make ends meet. I am not alone. If I am not the sole caretaker of my child, how can I ensure he will grow up to be a healthy person? Can I really trust a daycare… even a good one? These are the questions that plague me as I prepare to go back to work after summer break (I am a teacher).
I decided to pick up “The Feminine Mistake: Are we giving up too much?” by Leslie Bennetts to learn what the other side thinks. It is a compelling read. I must say that I never gave much thought to the potential loss of our primary breadwinner. What if my husband were to pass away suddenly, go on disability, become unemployed, or divorce me? While emotionally I cannot imagine that any of these things will happen to me, my brain does recognize the staggering statistics. Consider divorce, 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. The chances are just too high to risk not being prepared to provide financially for my child. Yes it worked out okay for my mom. However, she would be in a very precarious position if something were to happen to my dad.
This book has changed my perspective just enough to significantly ease my transition back to work. While I still have concerns about how my son will fair in daycare, I am confident that working and developing my career is crucial to his economic security. Just like I want him to have health insurance, I want him to have a type of financial insurance too (which is my wage earning potential).
Thus, I want to be working in some capacity throughout motherhood. Full-time, part-time, or working on a Ph.D. Even though it will be more stressful, I can see the real benefits to my working.
Historically, I believe that being a woman has always hard and a mother even more so. At least we have a choice these days to be financially dependent on someone else or on ourselves.
I am very interested in the plight of moms in our country. Apparently, being a mom is pretty hard when compared to not being one. I’ve learned about the “Motherhood Manifesto” from “The Feminine Mistake” and plan on checking it out. Momsrising.org seems to be a good resource as well.
6 Comments
August 1, 2008 at 5:38 pm
What books have you read from the other prospective? I don’t mean to try to make it harder for you to go back to work, but I know too how hard it it. In fact, I went to back to work and only lasted one day. Well, barely. I went home for lunch to feed my baby, then I went back to the office and packed my things and never returned.
My mother too stayed home with the children. She did care for extra kids at times and cleaned houses when we were at school, but she was there when we were home. All my sisters that have families (4 of 5) have returned to work and I have seen how they have a different relationship with their children then I have with mine and even different then the relationship I had with my mother. There is a bond but it is different. They also did not breastfeed, so that probably changed the bond a bit too.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that you can make it work if you want to. I have. And now pregnant with my sixth, I am still making it work. You can’t think of the things that could happen in the future, you’ve got to think about things in the present and live in today.
From your previous posts it seems as if you were getting into a more natural way of living. Well, it is natural for you to want to be home with your child and it is natural for your child to want you there. I know I wouldn’t want to mess with that if I could help it.
I wish you all the luck in your new Motherhood adventure.
Amy
August 1, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I must say that I have not read any books from the other perspective. I’m scared to. The reality of my life right now is that we can’t pay the mortgage if I don’t work. However, when number 2 comes, our situation could be different… So I’ll be thinking and reflecting on this for a long time.
I do breastfeed and plan on going to 12 months and beyond if it’s right for the two of us. So hopefully that will help maintain our tight bond at this point. I’m also hoping that our co-sleeping practices have helped (and will help???) maintain a strong bond too. Although, as you can see from my last post, I’m not sure how long we will continue to co-sleep.
The positive thing about teaching is that I get off earlier and have more vacation time including summers. I think that’s a huge plus as well.
I will probably always believe that time with me is best for my baby. But there are so many other factors to consider. I agree that it is natural for me to want to be home with my child and for him to feel the same. But I do want to be able to provide for him financially (food, clothes, college) no matter what too.
Thank you for your comment and your well wishes. Motherhood is so challenging and so rewarding! Congratulations on your sixth!
Natalie
August 1, 2008 at 11:42 pm
I do understand that you are scared to read the other side and I respect that. You need it to be okay to work right now. And it seems to me when you need it to be okay to stay at home you will read about it and find a way to do it. Good luck with this new phase of Motherhood.
May I suggest that you continue to co-sleep, especially while you are working. It helps to keep the bond strong when the baby gets to be with you all night after not being with you all day. I may not have experience with this myself, but I have known lots of new moms who have decided to work and continue to breastfeed and co-sleep. (I am a La Leche League Leader, so I get to know lots of new moms in all kinds of situations.)
It will be challenging because the baby will make up the time lost at night, so he may decide to nurse all night, especially when he didn’t have too good of a day, or when he senses that you didn’t have too good of a day. I really admire moms that can work and mother their children. I am too lazy.
You are lucky that you do have a shorter day and year as a teacher. With a little determination you will be able to pull it off just fine.
With time only you will be able to determine what is best for your baby, those motherly instincts are great. Remember what is best for your baby will constantly change so keep re-evaluating here and there. Sounds like you are already doing that regularly, so you are definitely going in the right direction.
Once again, good luck with everything. You are making the right decision, right now. Just keep following your instincts and you will stay on track.
Amy
August 2, 2008 at 9:14 am
I’m going to go off on a bit of a tangent with this reply but it’s something that I feel is important.
I have to give a shout out to you and La Leche League! I first read about it in “Operating Instructions: A Journal of my Son’s First Year” by Ann Lamott.
I called our local leader within my son’s first month of life. He was 5 weeks early and having trouble waking up and staying awake to eat. The leader spent at least 40 minutes on the phone with me imparting all kinds of wisdom about breastfeeding. I learned so much and am so grateful.
I finally made it to my first meeting when my son was 5 months old. It was great to be in an environment where breastfeeding is considered healthy and normal. It actually made me realize just how tense I feel about breastfeeding in public. Although I do it regularly with a light blanket (or hooter hider) and a sling.
I called again recently since my son is still getting up every 3 hours to eat. My local leader is the only person who has told me that this is normal for my son. It was exactly what I wanted and didn’t want to hear. I’m so glad he’s fine. But I want more sleep! Anyway, again she spent a lot of time with me on the phone and imparted a good deal of wisdom.
So THANK YOU! Please rest assured that your work is much appreciated by new moms like myself. I admire your efforts to support breastfeeding mothers.
August 2, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Thank you! The greatest thing about being La Leche League Leader is helping moms one on one. I am glad you were touched and helped by a fellow La Leche Leader. Remember we are there for help throughout your Motherhood journey.
September 11, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Thank you! It was very intrasting, but I’m not mom..